Tired of this roller coaster

I am tired of this roller coaster. I just want off of it. It's 3:46 a.m. and I woke from a haunting dream around 2:30 a.m. I tried to go back to sleep but drifted back into sleep in the same place I left off each and every time so I quit trying. So here I sit. Sean is snoring peacefully beside me. In the background there is the click of Emma's swing (where she sleeps peacefully through the night now, yay!) and the whoosh of her pump. The soft buzzing of the DVR is providing some much needed white noise. It should be peaceful but it's not. My head is pounding, my body aches, and speckled blackness like a TV show with bad reception succumbs me every now and then. I feel like my body is failing me.

Over the past two weeks my symptoms have significantly worsened. My equilibrium is completely off. I have fallen more times than I can count on both hands. I no longer shower standing up (Thank God for the removable shower head). I often find myself dizzy and catching myself. I no longer bend over for a fear that I will topple over. I don't drive at night because my vision has become more blurry and I'm pretty sure I won't be driving for quite some time. In fact, Sean is taking my van to work tomorrow. I get nauseous at any slight movement. And, finally, I find myself on the couch in a fetal position hiding the pain and tears more often than not.

Yesterday was to put it mildly horrible. I went into the office to help. Although, I wasn't much help. We went to grab a bite to eat. We stopped a few times walking in for me to "catch a few breaths" and wait for the wave of nausea to pass. The second we walked in I had to run to the restroom to "relieve" myself. I then ate most of my meal and continued to feel dizzy, nauseous. I guess I should have prefaced all of this with the fact that I am NOT pregnant, can NOT be pregnant, and probably will NOT be pregnant anytime soon or ever again. That's another entry in and of itself that I'll share when the time comes, if ever. Back to yesterday. We went back to Sean's office where I spent the next half hour on the nurse advice hotline since my general practitioner was out for the day. Like always they gave me the standard head to the E.R. after playing 20 questions with me. Sean's grandma was with the girls and Caden was at school still. Sean dropped me off at the E.R. and headed to pick up Caden and relieve Grandma.

I checked into the E.R. and of course it had to be one of the busiest nights they've had all month. Go figure. They had me up and down about four times just to take information, get vitals, and put a wristband on me. Oh yeah, to make me sign my life away and say I'll pay the bill. What's another bill at this point, right? So, I'm surrounded by a kid with a cut on his finger (looked like a paper cut), a woman in front of me who is obviously developmentally disabled (which of course, I have nothing against but please don't talk to me when I feel like puking all over you and I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.) a few people with what seemed to be the flu and Ms. Proper and her entourage (5 kids I assume) who come RUSHING in from the medical offices because she has an obstructed bowel. At which point the nurse explained that she had to wait like everyone else and that this is the emergency room. First come first service and emergencies take precedence. I thought I would faint right then and there and that they'd have to call security on who I assumed to be her son. I felt like yelling, "Somebody, call a doc Ms. Proper can't take a dump and while you're at it give her some hot tea and a warm water bottle to put on her tummy to shut her up while we all play the hurry up and wait game." I restrained myself, and instead remained slumped over in my chair next to the DD woman who wanted to tell me about her tennis shoe slippers that she got at Kmart for $10.

I tried to call Sean to see if he can come wait with me only to find out my phone is completely dead. In the 3 years I've had it I have never let it go completely dead. Cool, no way to call him. No way for him to call me. After, oh, I don't know how long since I can't tell the time I get called back. They have me stand behind a line and are doing an eye test on me. I tell them I'm dizzy and I really can't stand up. So, of course they say, "try". I tried, apparently "failed" part of their exam, have to grasp the wall, lean again it to prevent myself from falling. I start to cry since my body is going numb and I feel like I'm about to pass out. The nurse stands there and looks at me like I'm just taking a break for the hell of it. The Dr. who was sitting behind me rolls over on his chair and asks if I'm ok. I know if I speak I fall. He says, "nurse, can you get her a chair?” Then he realizes he should just stand up and give it to me. Sure enough, I started hyperventilating, sometime after the fact that I felt like I would pass out and nobody was helping me to move or sit and I got scared. Go figure.

I go to the room. Wait awhile on the gurney using the gown as a pillow. The doctor comes in and I immediately recognize him as the less than pleasant individual who "treated" me when I had complications during Lily's pregnancy. Not to worry he came in said so you're dizzy? I said yes and he said be right back. Nurse walks in and I ask the nurse for a new doctor. She says the ER is full and I'll have to go back into the waiting room to be reassigned. I say "No, thanks." and decide to deal with the doctor I will kindly rename Mr. Whack. So, Mr. Whack comes back in, asks a series of questions. Asked me if the room is spinning about 8-10 times. Each time I tell him no. He says, "Are you sure?" Nope, I'm not sure, you got me. I forgot it was spinning. "No doc, still not spinning." "What meds are you taking?" "I'm taking x,y,z, oh and I forgot the rest of the pharmacy as well." He says, let me go look at your records. Twenty minutes or so later he comes back in. "Well, I see you had a CT scan done and you have surgery scheduled." Yep, I told him that about an hour ago too! He says, "And the room isn't spinning? Can you see how many fingers I'm holding up"? At this point I was annoyed, especially with him and decided I might as well have some fun. He holds up two fingers. My vision is blurry but I can still make it out. "You're holding up two, it's kind of blurry but it looks like you might be growing one on the posterior side of your hand." He looked down at his hand puzzled and walks out of the room. I chuckle to myself. He comes back in, ordered another CT scan for me to make sure nothing else is happening up there. I ask to call Sean.
Called Sean, Grandma hasn't left the house, He's putting the girl's down to come be with me. CT scan guy comes and puts me in a wheelchair, he's pretty nice, and we’ve met before. The machine was decorated in garland to make it a bit more festive. We do the scan, I look at it, everything looks about the same, but hey what do I know. The guys looks at it and tells me my sinuses look like they still have some shadowing in them (read=sinus crap). I go back to my room and Sean joined me about 20 minutes later. Mr. Whack walks back in and looks surprised to see Sean there. He stands in the doorway and commences to tell me that my CT Scan was normal, that my sinuses are completely clear and to call my doctor and cancel my surgery and that it's probably just been a bad virus all along which is in my middle ear causing my problems. So, Sean asks, "Could they be lasting over a month?" Mr. Whack says "Well, um, I think so." Yep, real reassuring there doc. He "prescribes" something comparable to Dramamine, over the counter. Tell me to follow up with my head and neck surgeon and puts in another referral for a neurologist for my "issues".

$100 later we leave with really no more information than going in. I still have all the above listed symptoms; we're more confused on my "sinus issues". Obviously, thrilled if I no longer need surgery, however, now perplexed as to what the heck is really going on with me. Sean walks with his arm around me to the car so I don't fall. We drive with my head out the window like a doggy to avoid me puking in the car. Go through a drive through. Make it home and I immediately start freaking to get out of the van as not to christen it with any bodily fluids. I then flush out my system a bit into a paper bag I'm holding, walk 50 more feet and fertilize the bark covering in the planter a bit. Feel a bit better, head home, eat dinner and crash in bed to have haunting dreams.

I will spend the bulk of the day today I'm sure on the phones calling my doctors, having my CT Scan read by somebody who I feel is a bit more qualified, praying for no surgery, hoping for answers, and resting in bed since Sean's Grandma is coming up and I'm not allowed out of bed today. If you've made it this far I both congratulate you and apologize to you.

Goodnight and Good morning.