2/25/06 and 2/26/06 Weekend Update

Well, Unfortunately, no news is not good news this time. Emma has had a rough weekend. Saturday early morning (middle of the night) she was having episodes of bradycardia (slowing of the heartrate). During this time the ventilator itself was not helping her enough (it is set to a certain speed and takes time to reset) so they had to "bag her" (use the little oxygen squeeze baggy thingie to help her out more). She was bagged 3 time throughout saturday early morning and once late morning. She was given another blood transfusion of 10 cc's. It seemed to have helped her out. She pinked up a bit and was resting better. She was still having some bradycardia "spells" but she was able to recover from them before they needed to intervene. So, I guess in a way it's another step backward.

Lily and Caden went to my mom's on saturday afternoon (thanks mom) so Sean and I could go grocery shopping for tons of food to make rfozen dinners (once a month cooking) Sean had 30 frozen dinners planned, and we bought something to the effect of 50 lbs of meat, 30 lbs of cheese and god knows what else. We didn't get home until late and didn't get to the NICU until after 9 p.m. That's when we found out about her "spells" because we saw the bag in there and asked about it. Nobody had mentioned it when I called to check on her a few times. It angers me a bit that they didn't feel the need to call, bu I guess to them it's more "routine" But damnit, it's a BIG deal to me!!!

Anyways, Sean and I had a rough time seeing her like that. I had tears running silently down my cheeks and the nurse brought me a box of kleenex, which I stashed under Emma's isolette for next time they're needed. I'm sure there will be many more times they'll come in handy while we're on this roller coaster ride. We ended up coming home, watching 30 minutes of Recipe for success, and hittin' the hay to snuggle. Sean was out before me of course.

I woke up to pump at 2 a.m. and couldnt' get back down until 5 a.m. so I ended up pumping again before heading to bed for the "night".

I woke up at 10:30. Sean was playing Brood Wars (seems to be his stress relief lately). I pumped, took a quick shower, and we headed out to breakfast. Sean's dad came with us and it was all a bit awkward and irritable. Seems the stress is really starting to get to everyone unfortunately. We ran by the grocery store to pick up a fw last minute items needed for today's big frozen dinner cookoff. Sean's friend was here by the time we got home to help out.

Oh yeah, before I get sidetracked. I called the NICU while out to breakfast. Fund out that Emma still hasn't gained ANY weight. She's still at 1 lb. 11 oz. Her o2 was 35% this morning, but when I called it was back down to 29% It fluctuates throughout the day depending on how she is doing.

I decided to try and clear out some of the MANY MANY bags of uneeded or unused, or unusuable clothes and managed to bag up 8 bags of clothes and shoes (I think we may be done having kids, especially after all of this, but that is subject to change at anytime of course.) So, we have a bit more room to roam. The kids room is finally getting organized. I set up Emma's "closet organizer" and started sorting her preemie, newborn, and 0-3 month clothes, and packed away all of Lily's 6-12 month clothes which we won't need again for quite some time. It was really productive.

My mom was ready for us to get the kids around 4 p.m. They wear you out quick! I can't drive for 2 weeks so I'm at iother's mercy. I was waiting for a friend to come over to take me, but she couldn't get away from her husband so Nick (Sean's dad) ended up taking me out there. Picked up the kids, ran by Target since I ran out of breastmilk storage bags (I'm pumping between 80-90 ounces a day! The plan is to start pumping every 3 hours during the day versus every 2 and pumping only once during the night since we have no room for all this milk. My supply is pretty well established at this point). Back on topic. Came home, put Lily to bed. Packed up some ebay auctions that I need to get shipped since they ended while I was in the hospital. Fed Caden dinner, gave him a bath, and tucked him in for the night, and am now finally updating this

Before picking up the kids Nick and I stopped by the NICU for literally 5 minutes to check on Emma. I'm glad we did since Sean says he's not up to going today to go see her. She looks so scrawny and sickly today. It was really tough to leave her there but even more tough to sit there with her. You could tell just how much she is really fighting. Part of me feels like everything is going to be alright, but there's another part of me that just doesn't know. I mean really who does, besides the man upstairs? I just keep praying and hoping that God has a plan for Emma, and that his plan is for her to make it through this to be with us. Oh man, hear come the tears.

This is by far the most stressful, heart wrenching experience I have ever gone through. People keep telling me how strong I am. Sure, through words on a screen I (we) may seem strng, bu inside I feel like I'm dying. I burst into tears at various times throughout the day for no reason. I get ANGRY when I see very, obviously, full term, ready to pop any day mama's walking around rubbing their bellies with smiles on their face oblivous to my pain. I snap at the kids, I snap at Sean. I feel like he is holding in everything and I want him to talk to me about it. All he says is he's not doing well, and that's normally followed with and I'm not up to going back to the hospital. I understand it's hard for him to go, and it hurts and he deals with things differently, really I do. But man this stress is killing me. Luckily, we've managed to hold it together and our marriage isn't suffering...yet.. from all the stress and hopefully it won't. It just so friggin hard.

Anyways, we're not going to the NICU tonight, so I got to see my daughter for 5 minutes today. IT's not fair. I NEED to see her. It will be easier in a week when I can drive and not have to rely on others. Then I can sneak away at 2 a.m. if I can't sleep and visit her. I just really need more time with her, and I don't think Sean understands. Although he is busy today cookin. He's been at it since noon today and it's now 10:30 p.m.. Our freezer's are getting full!

I do feel blessed to have him as my husband and to have him being so supportive through this. Don't get me wrong. Don't think for one minute I am complaining about him. I know it's just as hard for him as it is for me, but I just need to vent a bit, and quite frankly this is wear I choose to do it. Betterin words than in voice at this point I think.

Well, I need to eat. I haven't eaten since 11 a.m. this morning and it's been almost 12 hours (nobody yell at me. I really am taking care of myself. I don't normally go 12 hours before eating). I will probably try to get to bed "early" (before midnight) and call the NICU before going to bed.

Here's hoping for a better update.

And here's a picture of her froggie with the hat I made for Emma (she cna't wear hats right now).